A Conspiracy in the Laundry Aisle: The War on Left-Handed People

There are some things in life you just accept. The sky is blue, water is wet, and certain everyday objects are just a bit of a faff to use if you're left-handed. Scissors, ring-binders, can openers… the list of right-handed tyranny is long and tedious. But I thought I'd seen it all. I thought I'd made peace with my place in a world designed by the other ninety percent.

I was wrong. I have discovered a new front in the war on lefties, and it's lurking right there in the laundry aisle.

The perpetrator? Procter & Gamble. The weapons? Benign-looking bottles of Fairy and Lenor fabric conditioner.

I was doing a wash the other day and picked up the bottle. And I saw it. A crime against ergonomics. The lid, the very cap designed for the delicate operation of dispensing the gloop, was wrong. The pouring spout, the business end of the whole affair, wasn't pointing straight up. If 12 o'clock is straight ahead, this thing was cocked over at a jaunty 1 o'clock.

Don't believe me? Feast your eyes on this blatant act of discrimination.

At first, I thought it was a manufacturing fault. Then I checked the other bottle. Same thing. And it hit me. This isn't a mistake. This is a feature. This is a calculated design choice to make the act of pouring infinitesimally easier for the right-handed masses. They can hold the bottle and pour with a simple, elegant tilt.

But for us, the southpaws, the forgotten minority? It's a nightmare. To pour with your left hand, you're now fighting the very design of the lid. It forces your wrist into a daft, unnatural angle. It guarantees a sloppy pour. It's a spillage waiting to happen, a deliberate and malicious act of laundry-based aggression.

This isn't just an oversight. This is a conscious decision, made in a brightly-lit boardroom somewhere, by a shadowy cabal of right-handed product designers who've probably never had to suffer the indignity of using a potato peeler backwards. They have decided that our convenience is expendable.

Well, I've had enough. The line must be drawn here. This injustice will not stand. We, the long-suffering left-handers of the world, are putting our collective foot down. It has to stop, and it has to stop now.

So hear our cry, Procter & Gamble.

What do we want? Left-handed fabric conditioner dispensers!

When do we want them? Well, by the time these bottles run out would be great, thanks.

We're not unreasonable people. We're just tired of living in a 1 o'clock world.